A little peace of mind
by dragonageinquisitram
Summary: Glimpses into Luthien Lavellan's mind, mainly regarding her relationship with Solas.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1:**_ A glimpse into Luthien Lavellan's mind, as she seeks shelter from the burden of being "The Inquisitor", in her favourite part of the castle. Solas later joins her to keep her a welcomed company. _

Luthien descended the stone stairs to the lower level of the castle, her steps echoing into the empty tower. She entered a vast room where ancient, massive statues stood in a pair of opposing rows, a veil of sacred silence surrounding them. How many times had she traced those cold figures sculpted in the stone? Curious, wondering about their story.

All the rumors from the outside bustling life in Skyhold were muffled in there. She was alone, trying to shake off the burden of the recent events at the Adamant Fortress. Closing her eyes, she embraced the rare moment of the peace that being in her favourite and mysterious part of the castle gave her. She reached a heavy door which slowly opened at her touch, creaking on its rusty hinges, before closing behind her with a loud noise.

And everything was silent again.

A short corridor, with tall wooden bookcases standing on each side, lead to a small circular room. It was a library: old, dusty, filled with spiderwebs and ancient books. But it was a sanctuary to her. Luthien moved toward the armchair behind the massive wooden desk which stood proudly at the center of the room, and finally sat down, letting off a sigh. She wondered who ever once stood between those bookcases, eager for knowledge and learning, collecting those leather bound volumes.

Her eyes fell on the enormous book opened on the desk. It was as fascinating as the first time she saw it. She bended over it, gently turning the yellowed crumbly pages. Her eyes sparkled, as those of a mother who tenderly gazes at her child, fascinated by the elaborate drawings she couldn't fully understand.

Hardly anyone would have looked for her down there. It was the place where she hid when she needed time alone to think. Resting back on the armchair, she gave another sigh. And her mind started to race. How many decision had she had to make, since it all begin? It was not long ago that she was exploring forests with fellow elves from her clan, freezing giant spiders and laughing at campfire stories. It seemed as if it was another life.

Things had changed and she had lost that carelessness by which she had conducted her life until that moment. She felt as if the world was being carried on her shoulders. In Luthien's hands laid the fate of many and lives of many more were at stake. Everything was destined to succeed or fail, because of her.

Now she was addressed as "Inquisitor", "Your Worship" or... "Vhenan".

Luthien found herself smiling while echoing that familiar voice in her head. That calming, reassuring voice, of the one who stood by her side from the very beginning. Gloomy thoughts started fading from her mind.

"I sat beside you while you slept, studying the Anchor," she recalled him saying, thinking back to their first kiss. With great surprise to herself, she had been bold enough to make the first move. To kiss him. From that moment, the mere thought of him spread warmth throughout her heart, a consoling and sweet feeling through her soul, a shiver down her throat.

Solas was the one who kept her going. Solas was her reassuring presence, the one who surprised her everyday, a gentle soul, a brilliant mind, a resolute character.

As she intently stared at the sealing, her hands resting on the stomach, she heard the door squeaking and immediately and sat up straight, alert. Never before had someone gone to look for her down there. She peeked through the short corridor to see who was coming in. She couldn't hear the sound of the steps but recognized at once the bald head and the pointed ears lightly moving toward her and she relaxed again.

Solas stepped forward, his hands clenched behind his back, a slight smile on his face. She smiled back at him.

"Hey, what are you doing down here?" Luthien asked, resting her elbows on the desk.

"What are _you_ doing down here?" he asked back as he reached her, standing on the other side of the desk, pressing his hands on the wooden surface. The jaw bone necklace around his neck moved slightly forth and back, as he arched his back a little.

"Just ... Enjoying a little peace of mind. This is my spot," she answered, calmy.

"I thought your spot was Sera's," he replied with an eloquent smirk.

"That's my second spot!" she laughed back, "you know, the flowers, the colours, the mess... That's for when I am happy."

"So I may deduce that you being here means something else then happy... How are you then?" he asked with a soothing voice, while half sitting on the desk, one foot on the floor, the other dangling.

"I'm just... Pensive," Luthien said as she rose from the armchair, slowly pacing around the wooden desk, "I like coming here sometimes and being by myself. It helps clearing the mind."

"I am an intruder then. I should be gone and leave you to it," Solas replied with a mischievous smirk, but he did not move, despite his words. He sat there, staring intensely at her with those deep grey-blue eyes.

Luthien moved around the desk, getting close, staring back at him.

"You tend to leave my side far too often, lethallin..." she caressed his pale cheek with the back of her hand, as she pronounced those words.

Their noses inches apart.

"Always leaving when I long for you the most..." she whispered, in a semi-serious tone.

"Do I, vhenan?" Solas gave her a mocking look of surprise, then took her hand and gently kissed it, before grabbing her waist and pulling her tight up against him.

"Then I should make up for it..." he whispered into her mouth, a sweet smile on his face, before pressing his lips on hers.

They kissed tenderly and slowly. Luthien closed her eyes. A shiver went down her spine. She could taste the familiar and reassuring scent of his soft lips.

And they were gone. Lost in a fleeting moment of infinite love, two souls as one.

Luthien's mind was clear enough now, Solas's arms around her, her body pressed against his, their lips burning together...

And everything else around them was forgotten. Even if just for a while.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**:_ A devasted elf, reflecting on her feelings after Solas decides to reject her, leaving her heart broken, empty, alone._

"I can't... I'm sorry..."

She couldn't drive those words out of her mind, still pounding, woefully echoing.

An echo. That's all she had left of him. That mere thought sent a sharp physical pain down her throat, as if a multitude of pointed needles were scratching her from the inside of her stomach, up to the eyes, itching her nose and painfully pouring out in big drops of tears. Cold, watery eyes. Cold heart. Cold lines traced by the tears on her cheeks, exposed to the raging winds on the Skyhold ramparts. That was all she felt. Cold. Loneliness.

She had grown used to physical injuries: a sharp blade cutting her skin, wild flames burning through her clothes, a strong punch in the stomach. Bruises and wounds. She had learned to control that kind of pain because she knew it would heal, eventually.

But this... This was something that had caught her completely unprepared. Vulnerable. Defenseless. This, something she could not control. She had made a mistake. She had lowered her guard. She had exposed her truest self. Had been so fool to have fallen into a vortex of feelings that she had never experienced before, fearfully but excitedly diving into it.

Love. Protection. Reassurance. Mystery. Challenge. And he...

He had led her on, he had made her vulnerable, fragile, foolish, made her longing for him before finally putting her in the deepest state of misery.

"Please, vhenan."

Irremovable, inexorable, resolute tone. He had rejected her.

The pain was intolerable. More needles scratching her throat. More tears prickling her eyes. Panting. Cold air into the watery eyes. Luthien had found out that words could hurt more than any blade.

She had thought she was strong. She had thought that feeling like dying from... love...? only happened in sad fairy tale stories, told to give form to the foolish dreams of shallow young girls. She had thought she was self-sufficient, resourceful enough to make it on her own.

But he had proved her wrong. He had turned her into the sad heroine of one of those silly stories. Her heart was broken and she hated that.

She loved him so much she hated him.

Hate was the only defense she had left to protect herself from the sense of loss and loneliness pervading every fiber of her being. Empty. Alone. Afraid.

Would it ever go away? Would something, someone fill that dark, scary hole that was swallowing her from the inside? She could not think of anything else but... Why?

Why? She had uselessly asked him. "Because I made a mistake. Because you deserve better … Harden your heart to a cutting edge, and put that pain to good use against Corypheus."

More pain. More anger.

"You really don't let anyone see under that polite mask you wear, do you?" she had angrily asked him.

Disdain. Exasperation. The urge to hit him, to show him physically how much had he hurt her with his words.

"You saw more than most."

What? What had she seen? Had she seen the charming elf, the one that made her feel protected, challenging her with his mysterious ways, his mythical theories, his rare sensitiveness and gentle soul?

Or had she seen the deceiver, the one that had led her on, feeding her with the sweetest words, only to finally rip her heart out, without a valid explanation?

She didn't know anymore. Wasn't she worth at least that? Wasn't she worth a reason, a motivation for his decision, to put her mind at ease? Something to help her turn pain into disdain, love into hate?

He had denied her that chance too. And now she found herself still entangled in that knot of mixed feelings. Love. Hate. Misery. Anger. Resolution.

She had always been strong. She had never believed someone else could force her down on her knees, miserable, a shadow of her former self.

She had never believed to be hit where she could not set up any defense.

Standing there on the ramparts, absently gazing in the distance, far to the snowy mountains, the piercing cold winds kept blowing, carrying with them small flakes of snow. She was cold. But it was nothing compared to the coldness she felt in her heart. Standing still. Not moving. She could have stayed there forever, as everything around seemed to be falling apart, as every certainty she had had crumbled into dust, carried away by the winds, leaving Luthien as empty and alone as she had never been before.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**: _In the aftermath of the final battle against Corypheus, Luthien finds herself alone. With Solas gone, she has to fight the desperation dragging her into a dark, deep abyss. These are her thoughts as she awakens, alone, in her empty bedroom._

Luthien slowly opened her eyes, as the morning sunlight filtered through the soarings windows of her fancy bedroom, a warm touch gently caressing her pale skin. It was the dawn of a new day. The sun rose brighter than ever, after the glorious victory of the night before, illuminating the majestic Skyhold towers in a new, beautiful, consoling light.

Nevertheless, inside Luthien's soul it was as dark as a scary night, a deep eerie abyss.

As she opened her eyes, looking at the ceilings, the realization of being alone suddenly hit her, like a strong punch in the stomach. Resting the face on the pillow, she felt it was still wet from her own tears. Then, turning to the other side of the bed, spreading one arm out to touch the linen sheets, she unsurprisingly found it empty, cold. She had wished, just for a moment, that it had all been a bad dream, that she would have woken up and found his warm body lying against hers, eager hands cupping her face, soft lips pressed together, spreading a sweet scent, so reassuring, so familiar.

But there was no one beside her. She was alone in the empty room. And he was gone.

Luthien got up, sitting on the side of the bed, both hands covering her face in exasperation as she swallowed the truth of the bitter reality, of another day, without him.

Corypheus had been killed. The rift had been closed. Eveyone looked up to her as a hero. All her friends had decided to stay, fighting for what she had been helping creating with her own hands, her own blood, her own sacrifices: The Inquisition.

It should have been the most relieving, happy day of her life. For what she knew, she had helped saving Thedas, she could count on the presence trusted friends at her side, leading a powerful organization, protecting people, standing against the chaos...

But that day, chaos was all she felt. That day she wasn't the mighty Inquisitor. She was just Luthien: the hurt, exhausted elf who had seen the only one she had ever truly loved... gone, forever.

He, who had ripped her heart out, taking all the love she was capable of giving, without limits nor hesitation, had now made her an empty shell, frustrated, in despair.

Solas seemed to have vanished into thin air.

"No matter what comes, I want you to know that what we had was real."

Those were the last words he had said to her. The last piece of memory she could hang on to. Words: cutting, wounding, painfully carving their way into her mind. Words to be cherished, impressed upon her heart, locked away into her soul, clinging on them because afraid that that if they had faded, he would have faded too, forever.

Up there, on the wrecked tower of the their last fight, Luthien had looked him in the eyes, and she had known, deep down, that she would have never seen him again, that he would have been gone, forever. A fleeting shadow, foggy pieces of a wonderful dream, was all she had left of the long days they had spent together.

A painful knot in her throat chocked her. Tears started prickling her eyes.

"_He could have said goodbye... He could have explained..._"

She shook her head trying to send those thoughts back into the darkest caves of her mind. She had to do something. She had to fight back that pain.

Luthien stood up, a blank look on her face. Stunned, confused. The desperation that had been devastating her, had given space to a deep, dark, empty abyss into her mind and spirit.

Resignation. Anger. Loss. Those contrasting feelings kept fighting inside her, giving painful blows as her mind wandered, making it hard for her to think clearly. She felt like a caged animal, trapped in a vortex of sorrow, desperation and rage. She wanted to escape. She needed to.

Her slender figure slowly moved towards the stone stairs.

"_I need to get out of here._"

She had to divert her thoughts from the only soul she had ever belonged to, the one who abandoned her, stolen her heart and carried it away with him, Gods only know where.


	4. Chapter 4

It was an early morning. A pale orange light shyly peeking through the hazy clouds. The air around the castle was calm and clear, as Skyhold was still asleep. All was quiet, except for the sound of measured steps echoing down the main hall, resounding in the solemn silence of the grand, empty room.

Luthien was slowly pacing along the desert hallway. The jaw was clenched. The expression rapt as she steadily gazed ahead. There was something she intended to do, something she had not dared doing up until that moment.

Her steps stopped in front of the heavy wooden door leading to the circular study at the base of the tower, where she posed one hand on the cold iron handle, inhaling deeply in order to gain control over herself. She could distinctly hear her own heartbeats, the punding of blood pumping through her ears, faster and louder. Then she forced herself to push down the handle.

A creaky noise filled the air as the heavy door slowly turned on its rusty hinges. Luthien stood on the entrance, holding her breath, for what seemed to be an endless moment. The room was silent and still, as if time had frozen. Everything was exactly as she remembered from the last time she had been there. Everything except for one.

How unnatural did it feel now. A veil of sombre sadness lying over the painted stone walls. There was no familiar figure behind the big desk. There was no slender figure browsing through the ancient, yellowed pages scattered on the wooden surface. There was no placid smile welcoming her.

There was no one.

Luthien felt helplessly overwhelmed by a deep sense of loneliness. It infuriated her. It frustrated her. There was only her in that room, confronting the brutal reality. She tried to suppress a surge of anger and bitterness coming up from her stomach.

"_There must be something here. He can't have left without a word,_" she thought, storming towards the bulky desk. The tall stuffed chair was mercilessly pushed aside with a strident noise, a pair of eager eyes darted frantically through a pile of papers, hasty hands seaching for an answer.

And then she saw it.

Luthien froze on the spot, trembling fingers lingering into mid air, unable to grasp anything. Lying on the cover of a old leather bound book, there was a jawbone.

Solas' jawbone necklace.

Something snapped and broke inside her. It was the last thread of hope she had been hung up to, shredding to pieces. Blinking numbly, as if stunned, she felt another raging wave of sorrow besieging her, choking her, running through her muscles while making her quiver. She grasped the necklace, squeezing it hard into the shaking hands. Tiny teeth prickled deep into her palms, her jaws clenched so hard it hurt. Her frenzied eyes darted from the jawbone to the desk, in search for something else, anything else. A letter, a note, any clue to help her understand.

But there seemed to be nothing she hadn't already seen so many times into his hands.

The necklace. That was all Solas had left behind. Nothing else.

"NOTHING!" with a sudden cry of rage at the top of her lungs, she smashed the necklace against the stone wall on the other side of the room, breaking the unnatural silence surrounding the tower. It fell onto the ground with a muffled sound, as a couple of teeth clinked against the floor. She immediately regretted that thoughtless act and in an excess of frustration slammed a fist on the desk, taking deep breaths, trying to calm down. She didn't know how else to relieve the desperation.

So that was it. What she had been dreading the most, became grim reality before her eyes. He had left, for good.

So deeply was she taken in her thoughts that she didn't hear the quick steps approaching behind her.

"Oh, Inquisitor," a young man entered the room, a startled look formed on his face "I didn't know I would find you here," he announced, moving forward. As Luthien refused to turn to look at him or to give any kind of response, as if she hadn't heard him, he stopped for a moment, awkwardly clearing his throat. Then he hesitantly continued: "The spymaster instructed me to take some of the mage's belongings" he started, slightly pausing "to help our investigations on his disappear-"

"YOU WILL NOT TOUCH ANYTHING WITHOUT MY LEAVE!" Luthien violently snapped back, shouting angrily. Fierce eyes set ablaze, fastened on the young recruit. Her voice echoed through the tower, disturbing the quite rest of the crows in the rookery, as they started cawing all together at once, annoyed.

The recruit jumped in surprise opening his mouth in a bewildered expression, unsure on how to react.

"Oh – oh – of course I-Inquisitor," he stammered, "I- I will report this back to th-the spymaster." He slowly retreated towards the door, gaping at Luthien, whose eyes, raging, were still lingering upon him, making sure he had understood. "E-Excuse me" the boy finally mumbled, a dumbstuck look on his pale face, before rushing out of the room.

Luthien let out a long breath, only then realizing she had stopped breathing, regretting to have snapped so badly towards the undeserving recruit. She tiredly let herself fall on the soft chair, stroking her eyes with cold fingers, before resting the forehead into her hand, exhausted.

"What is going on down here?" a familiar plummy voice resounded from the stairs coming down the library. "Human shrieks and creepy birds cawing on early morning," Dorian uttered while descending the final steps to enter the circular room, "It almost feels like home!" he continued in his cheery yet slightly annoyed tone, before turning his eyes on Luthien sitting behing the wooden desk, absently gazing in the distance. The mage stopped at the base of the stairs and noticed the jawbone, half-shattered into pieces on the ground. His expression changed, the eyebrows furred in in concern as he slowly moved forward. He then squat down to gather the bones into his hands. Luthien, abruptly stirred from her trance, raised her head to look at him. A single tear sliding down her cheek, leaving a lucent streak carved into a marble, cold face.

Dorian approached her, resting the jawbone pieces on the desk, in front of her. She gently traced her fingers on those smooth bones.

"I can fix it, if you want me to," he whispered in a soothing voice.

"It can't be..." she murmured between herself, after a moment of silence "No one can fix this..."

Dorian knew she was not referring to the necklace. He let out a sigh, gently grabbing Luthien's shoulder. It was hard seeing his ever-stoic friend in that pitiful state.

"He is gone Dorian. And he is never coming back..." she whispered in a brittle voice, pointing at the broken necklace. Dorian moved around the desk, he took Luthien's hands into his and crouched down on his haunches to look her in the eyes. Luthien felt his warm and soothing hands clenching hers, cold and sore.

"You meant a lot to him, Luthien. You know that. There must be a reason we can not comprehend, behind his... decision."

"But I want to understand. I want to know...!" she started in a agitaded voice "How could he...?" then she stopped, resigned, tired of asking herself the same question all over again. "This... not knowing... I can't stand it" she finally said, looking at Dorian. Her eyes were speaking to him. Loud and clear. Big, teary eyes, deep in a inconsolable pain, "I just can't."

"You can. And you will..." he whispered, tenderly, "it will take time, it will always hurt and you'll always want to scratch this painful wound," Luthien bit her lips, "but you are not alone, you know that" he held her chin up, tiny wrinkles forming at the corners of his bright eyes, "you still have a bunch of lunatics to deal with, who won't leave you any time soon, remember?" he giggled with a large smile, trying to break the tension. She smiled back at him, reassured by that thought for a moment. As they stood there, immersed in that intimate moment, a croaky voice suddenly came from outside, "Come on, Varric!" forcing Dorian and Luthien to look towards the other side of the room.

"No! There's no way I'll name one of my characters _The Iron Dragon_!" an amused voice responded "It's so dull it wouldn't even appeal nugs."

"Why must you be such an ass? Even the kid said it would be cool!" the first hoarse voice protested.

"Oh yes, dwarf, you better trust what the demony thing said!" a third high-pitched voice commented. Then Varric entered the room, closely followed by Iron Bull and Sera.

"I am the author, this my story, and I get to do whatever I want with it!" Varric blurted as he moved towards the stairs leading to the library, "and would you stop following me? I hardly believe you two would find anything interesting in the library!" he finally added in an irritated tone.

"Speaking of lunatics, eh?" Dorian joked towards Luthen, rolling his eyes and letting go of her hands, while standing up. She let out a giggle, wiping off tears from her cheeks.

"Shut your face!" Sera commented as she rushed towards the stairs too, overtaking Varric "I need to borrow one of the feathered killers. Move over!" she announced in a shrilling voice, running upstairs, "Last one up the stairs is a nincompoop !" shrieking before disappearing from sight with an hysterical laughter.

"Oh very mature, Sera, very mature!" Varric concluded, shaking his head, closely following her up the stone staircase.

"Don't believe we're done, dwarf!" Iron Bull shouted towards an invisible interlocutor. "Because..." pointing his gnarled finger in the air, hesitating "...because we aren't!", he spouted, before turning to Dorian and Luthien, who had both been enjoying the little farce in silence. "Oh, hey!" he saluted them, finally becoming aware of their presence, "why didn't you take my side? " he immediately added towards Dorian, frowning.à

"Do you really want an answer?" Dorian forewarned him, giving him a contemptuous look.

"Ah!" Iron Bull dismissed him with a grunt, waving his big hand, while moving towards the door. He stopped for a moment, turning at Luthien "Hey boss, I know the bad guy is dead, we saved the world and all, but there's still lots of asses that need to be kicked out there..." he joked with a mischievous smile "wanna join the guys and me later?" he asked, winking.

Luthien chuckled at that request, "of course!" she answered between laughes, standing up from the tall chair while batting her lashes to disguise their dampness.

Dorian patted his friend on her back, "oh great, you kids go and have fun slaughtering strangers while I try to read in peace!" he announced in is usual fruity voice while walking towards the stairs.

"Yeah, you left some of your Vint crappy books in my room by the way..." Bull sniggered to him "...along with your panties" he then added in a provocative tone, striding towards the main hall.

"Oh, savage," Dorian muttered to himself, shaking his head while disappearing from sight. Luthien could not but giggle again.

"I'll meet you outside, boss" Bull finally announced, before exiting the room.

"Sure", she smiled at him, before finding herself standing alone in the circular study, her smile fading away when left alone with her thoughts. She turned to look at the jawbone pieces on the desk, the heart clenching at the sight. She was experiencing the familiar feeling of having stepped back into the light, just for a moment, only to find shadows coating her spirit from the inside again. The thought of Solas crawled from the back of her mind stronger than ever, a dark veil of sorrow descending on her, spreading gloomy, depressing thoughts.

She gathered the pieces and teeth and carefully held them into her hands. "I can fix this. I have to..." she muttered to herself, lost in a mixed trail of thoughts and feelings.

She stood there in silence for a while, when someone suddenly called, "Hey you morons! Have you left without me?" Luthien looked up, as Sera's voice coming from the upper level broke the trance she had fallen into.

"Not yet!" Luthen shouted back, carefully putting the necklace pieces into her pocket, with hasty movements. She looked up again, her eyes searching for the crazy elf. "Come down!" she prompted, "Cole and I are waiting for you!" Luthien warned her, sniggering.

"Over my dead body!" was the scornul response that came, while an arrow swiftly flew through the air with a hissing sound, plunging right into the center of the wooden desk. "You and Creepy have a good trip as far as possible from me!"

Luthien bursted into a big laugh and, after giving a final, painful look to the desk and the familiar painted walls, she sighed, finally allowing all the memories to flood her heart and mind. Finally allowing herself to grieve. The emptiness she felt, the sense of incompleteness reflected by the last mural which Solas had started but never finished, would have been her new beginning. Emptied of the last glimmer of hope in seeing him again, she would have started from there. In her own heart, she would have found the strenght to start anew. Aware that the unaccountable sorrow would never leave her, she knew she had to embrace it, to accept it, to recognise it as real... And to let it go.

She had to let _him_ go.

Luthien turned to face the wooden door, her slender figure moving outwards, outlined by the warm, bright sunbeames that were now lighting up the entire hall, as she left the empty study behind. A veil of sombre sadness seemed to descend on the motionless room once again.

The arrow stuck into the bulky desk continued quivering for a little while longer, then it stopped.

And everything went silent.


End file.
